ARGH
smilesarenice
i am so angry right now.

ive just lost two of my best friends.

and all my stuff is in capel

and jess refuses to bring it to school and says i have to come and get it.

which i cant. i dont have a car or any money.

fuck. i actually hate her. never thought id say it, but i do.

she could just, leave me alone. itd be much appreciated.

:(
smilesarenice
I feel like shit.

I'm really upset because I feel like Jess hates me. Her and Matt are exactly the same.. except now I can't even talk to her without her tearing me to shreds in some way. I hate it how I can't have a proper conversation with her anymore. Its like she despises me or something.. and I know she disapproves of me and Brad for some reason.. and I hate it. She always humiliates me in front of people and makes me feel like everything I like is stupid, and immature, and shit. I wish I could talk to her, shes my best friend.. or at least, she was. Now I don't know if I even want anything to do with her.. seeing as she obviously thinks I'm not worth her time.

You know what? Fuck her. Every time we have a fight, I'm always the one to break down and apologise first, whether I believe I'm wrong or not. This is it.

<3
smilesarenice
I'm really happy at the moment.

I love Brad so much. He's so amazing.

I really hope he comes to Sydney with me.

I think I'm probably gonna lose my virginity this weekend.

But thats cool, because I love Bradley Peter Read more than anything. Ever.

Love.
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kiss me alone...
smilesarenice
ARGH.

I'm beginning to get agitated.. like..

I went from living by myself, to having my friend and her boyfriend with me. Its fun and stuff, except I guess I just kinda wanna be alone a little bit.. oh, and Chris is totally doing that thing where he becomes a prick because he's tired and we've spent too much time together.
And Jess is being, well Jess.
Its way better when we're by ourselves.
And tomorrow, Ethan and Josh and Brad are coming over. I dont so much mind, cos I love those kids, but fucking hell, I need to be ALONE for five minutes.. no offence to everyone.

I'm looking forward to seeing Brad though <3 :)

He's so amazing. YAY.

Ah.. I dont think I'm gonna be a virgin for much longer.. maybe a few days? Lol, a week even? Hahah. Maaaaan. Exciting!!!!

xoxo

p.s. ZWAN = PURE JOY

Citalopram Hydrobromide
smilesarenice
Citalopram Hydrobromide.

Its supposed to be my friend.

I hope so.

The doctor told me that my score on the depression quiz was high, so he put me straight onto these pills. He says to take half a one at night for the first five days so my body can get used to it, and then one a night after that. They aren't very high, only 20mg ones. I have to go back and see him in 3 - 4 weeks and do the quiz again. Its supposed to take about 2 weeks for anything to improve, so we'll just have to wait and see.

I've been reading up on it, and it says it also reduces the diabetic neuropathy and premature ejaculation. Citalopram is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor.

"
fatal cases of dosages 840 mg to 1960 mg have been reported." its pretty hard to overdose on them.. so thats a good thing.

On another note, I'm hell excited about Sydney.

I think i will rock and roll all night, and party every day.. except for when I'm working that is.

The nightlife. yay!

xox


(no subject)
smilesarenice
I feel a little bit wierd.. i think its jealousy.

okay.. so this is what happened.

last night, chris and jess and some other people (cassi, warrun and some popular people or whatever) went to jades last night and got drunk and stoned.

i guess i wish i was invited.. but im also a little.. wha? about the stoned part.

wierd.

somethings happening between me and jess.. we're growing apart.. im not sure i like this.

:S

:|
smilesarenice
I hate feeling like this. Numb. I dont care about anything. And the worst part is, no one ever notices, I'm the happy, exuberant Jaz, the stupid simple - minded twit.

Shopping!
smilesarenice
Today was a good day. Well, an okay day.

I woke up at about 11am and had some food, then showered, then did some random things around my room (haha.. Jess' room, whatever) whilst listening to old mix CDs created by our ancestors, namely, Sam, Spence, Jade etc.

At about 12.30pm Matt emerges, sleepy looking, in the nakey blanket.. haha. He then lays on the nice, neatly made bed and crinkles it! Garrgh! We talk for a little while about, basically nothing and then he goes and showers and eats or whatever.

I check my emails, and then we get this awesome idea to hang out with chris and jess and watch movies or play games or something. I ring Jess, shes having chai and chris over in her caravan at her mums. I was a little cut.. but i think its just cos im pms. anyway.

Me and matt go into town shopping and buy lots of bad food. haha. I ALSO BOUGHT THE CINDERELLA DISNEY DOLL and Death Cabs album something about airplanes (but its all fancy cos its been remade and stuff). So that was fun. Went and gave mum her mothers day chocolates, got hasselled a bit, went and saw maddy and ken and everyone, matt gave her her present, etc. Then we came back to capel, ate mini pizzas and watched movies (cos we got 10 for $10).

So far we've watched Mysterious Skin (love that more every time) and this other movie called A Perfect Fit - basically just about a guy whose had a bad childhood so he's all fucked up and crazy and possessive of his girlfriend and stuff. Not bad.

Yeah..

Thats about it.

Hmm.
smilesarenice
So.. I think I'm falling for someone.. and I know that sounds really cheesy and teenagery - which it probably is.. but still.. it feels real. I dont really agree with my feelings but, because, even if something happened, I dont know if I could handle it. Its kind of exciting though.. getting all nervous at little things, ridiculous things.. flirting. You know the deal.

Yeah anyway.. thats just what Im thinking about at the mo', but only time will tell.

Hah.

xoxo

Stupid teenagery shitticus.
smilesarenice
I feel really awkward and upset. But its crazy and stupid and ridiculous.

My first real love has been talking to me about this girl, and how much he likes her. I don't know if I have any write to feel awkward.. and a little offended. It's like, I don't know, is it appropriate to be talking to your ex about some girl you are now in love with?

Maybe I'm just overreacting and being overly dramatic.. I dont know.

Its just, hard, I guess.

I know we all move on, but I would rather if it wasn't being rammed down my throat every five seconds.. its almost as if its being rubbed in my face or something.

I know I'm definitely not in love with him, but theres still a part of me that wishes.. I dont know.. hopes that.. maybe he could wait a bit longer?

whatever. Its none of my business anyway.

Signing off,

J.

xoxooxx
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